Do you have an addiction?

There are several addictions in this world? I have been face with several in my own life time. When you think of addiction what comes to mind. Alcohol, cigerettes, drugs, caffine, or even work, but what about FOOD?

When you are addicted to alcohol you are an alcoholic. You indulge yourself with alcohol on any occation. Many alcoholics don't even know when they have been consumed by this addiction until they have hit rock bottom and lost everything. When an alcoholic is recovering there are many free programs for support that people go through to over come this addiction. And then there are those hidden alcoholics that hide it from everyone and you wouldn't even know. I went through a period in my life that I was consumed by alcohol. My husband and I would party all the time with are friends adn then wake up the next morning with hang overs. We would come up with all sorts of drinking games. I eventually could out drink every person at all the parties that we had and I wouldn't even have a hang over in the morning. We lived to drink and party. I got pregnant with my son and couldn't drink any more this was the end of our party days. I couldn't drink so nobody else could it would make me sick. That was the easy way to recover from being a hidden drinker. After I had Mikey I didn't go back to the heavy drinking I had been doing before, I would just have a drink every know and again. This is when everything in my marraige started to fall apart. I moved to Texas with my husband to try to fix things, but that will be another story for another day; however we stayed their for 6 months and came back to Virginia Beach. Are relationship was still not perfect, but we keep pushing it aside for a rainy day. I would cover my pain with alcohol and drink my pain away. Then one of the worst days in my life happened. It started off as a normal day I went to work that day and my husband and I were supposed to go to a coworkers party afterwards, but we couldn't go together because we had no sitter for the kids. I went by myself. We were having marriage problems at this time so I was ok to go by myself I got a free night. Little did I lnow the unexpected would happen. I was drugged and raped that night. I still don't remember all the details about that night they come to me in bits and pieces at all different times. After 4 1/2 years I still hurt over this night and the choices that I made. After I was raped I don't remember much up until I was sitting in the foriensic lab being pocked and proded at. I felt like I was being raped all over again. I was then given pills for any kinds of STDs that I have may have come in contact with and then i was given a morning after pill. I choose not to take it at the office and then after crying and throwing up I made the choice to take the pills. I don't believe in killing an unborn child no matter how it comes to you but I took these pills and have regreted it ever since. The month after I had a really bad menstral cyle. I don't know wheather that was all or if it was a miscarige. Honestley I didn't want to. I couldn't live with myself if I did. I blame myself for that night and for the events that happened. i made the choices that I did and my fate was made. I didn't think I deserved good things in my life. I pushed my husband away and thought of evey negative thing that I could. I couldn't think of any positive in my life I didn't deserve it. I hurt family when I went to Texas and this was my pay back for choices that I had made in my life. I started to fell like I didn't deserve a good marriage or even my children. I made excusses and blamed my husband for everything bad in our life. I laid in bed at night and kept trying to remember and forget the tradgic details of that night. I found comfort in alcohol and drank when everyone was asleep or I would say I was staying late at work just to go to the bar and have a couple drinks. I thought this would hide the pain. I accused my husband of having an affair just to make it ok to leave him. I couldn't find happiness. 6 months later I moved to my parents and told my husband he couldn't have me back until we went through marriage counseling and parenting classes. We went threw these classes and counseling sections but I still didn't believe that I deserved happiness. For the first time in our marriage we had comunnication. I slowed down my drinking at this point, but I then picked up smoking and I ate and ate. I was over weight before, but I didn't think I deserved better. I still have not bared my real pain of that night what haunts me everyday of my life and what I have a hard time living with. Did I kill a living being. I have forgiven the person who raped me, but I can not seem to forgive myself for taking that pill. There are nights that I stay awake all night long wondering.

Then there is these two addictions that went hand and hand for me smoking and working. I threw myself into my work hoping that I would cover this pain. Finding an excuses to smoke when ever I could. I didn't believe that I would be good enough for my kids. I loved them and always have loved them, but work covered my pain, so I thought. When I almost lost Mikey last year my life turned upside down. a pack of cigs a day. I was Thankful that he was saved and only hasd a few bruises. I didn't understand though Why? how does a 5 year old get hit by a F350 and live to talk about it. I realized God forgave me and my son was very blessed. I still sometime stay up and think about the awful things in my life but I don't work and I don't smoke anymore. I just eat.

My life now couldn't be any better I have two beautiful children that I am lucky enough to home school and a husband who loves me so much I am trying to look at everything in a brighter more positive light. There are those days that I don't think I deserve it and I eat. I have an addiction to Food and it haunts me. I have to get past all my past emotional beggage so that I can be healthy enough to live and see my babies grow up. How do I stop eating when does food stop being comforting. Food has been my addiction since way back and I will find any excuse to eat. I eat when I am happy, sad, lonely and when I don't deserve anything I have.

Today I am getting rid of my emotional beggage and starting my life forgiving myself for this aweful night. I do deserve life. I deserve health and I deserve happiness. I am done being a victim I want my life back. And Food will not run it. "I can do anything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."(Phillippians 4:13)

I am doing this with my loving husband he and I have made a bet with each other to see who looses the most weight. We will weigh each other each week who ever loses the most get a healthy dinner prepared by the other one. I am hoping this is a new beging to my life. Every day is a new day and is a gift thats why it is called the present. Yesturday is history and tomorrow is a mystery but today is a present. I am no longer living in the past.